Celebrity Death Match

[Claret & Blue Army]

Giving To-ny To-ny Hand 2 weeks to prepare while the budgie breeder sits at home and snacks on burgers seems to have swung the odds in Hands favour as the former worlds strongest man now tips the scales at an unmoveable 750 pounds.

Hand starts by dropping the gloves (causing Cov hockey fans to laugh and start a chorus of Gizmo) Capes stands there nonchalantly waiting for the fired up scotsman to make his move. Hand swings an illegal foreign object in the shape of his stick which shatters into 4 pieces on impact. The helmet is next to be thrown at the man mountain to no avail as Hand continues to rain punches down on the big man with absolutely no effect. Following withstanding the "pressure" for 5 minuted Capes belches causing the Edinburgh top dog to fall to the ground in a heap as Capes retains his title.

Geoff Capes vs Dawn French

[Rich]

Despite Dawn French being a very big woman, Geoff Capes was physically just to strong for her like he is for all his opponants. The Vicar Of Dibley star had a plan though as the crowd and her opponant found out when her co star who plays Frank Pickle came out and started talking on the microphone. Both fighters began to dose off and some feared that French's plan would backfire on her if she fell to sleep first. However it was Capes who was out first and this gave Dawn French the easy 123 count. The referee for this match was Jim Trott from the Vicar Of Dibley. He was asked by a spectator who fell asleep whether Dawn French won the match, he replied with No no no no no yes.

Dawn French V Bret The Hitman Hart

[Claret & Blue Army]

Dawn French starts off the match by doing the All Blacks Haka in front on a stern Hart. The Pink and Black Attack then slugs French to the jaw cauing her to topple over. Following this he starts to pound on her for several minutes to the consternation of her second David "Hit Man" Horton who gets his own back by writing a very stiff letter to the times. With French on the verge of total defeat Hart goes to lock on the sharpshooter when Frenchs savious in the form of Alice Tinker-Horton turns up and starts to weep uncontrollaby. For once the ice mask on the face of Hart drops as he tries to comfort her allowing Owen Newitt to breath on French causing her to awaken in a great rage at which point she blasts Hart from behind as is declared the winner.

Suddenly a masked man with a midlands accent squares up to the champ and challenges her. French is all "Whatever" until the mask is removed to reveal....Lenny Henry God God Almighty



Dawn French v Lenny Henry

[JP]

....Dawn French whips out a Terry's Chocolate Orange and throws it as hard has she can between the eyes of Lenny. The stunned lenny is then whipped into the ropes and clotheslined hard down onto the mat............

Dawn takes a run of the rope, springs back and jumps up into the air for the "BY GOD" .......BIG SPLASH!!!

The ref runs into the ring.....1....2..............3!!

Dawn French vs Mr Bean

[Claret & Blue Army]

Bean starts on the offense by slapping French a bit until Dibleys woman of the cloth gets annoyed and aims a solid fist in his direction which knocks the nerdy chap down.
Thinking the contest is over French starts tucking into a huge cake that had mysteriously appeared in the corner of the room.
Watching avidly Bean starts to grin evilly as his masterplan of putting heavy duty quick acting laxatives into the mixture cause French to forfeither reign after 3 victories.

Bean is horrified though when his next opponent turns out to be Dr Gunther Von Hagens

[Claret & Blue Army]

As Herr Doktor starts to sharpen his scalpel in this "Anything goes garbage match" Bean looks worried until his mind comes up with a devious plan. Without speaking and only using the communication of coughing he informs the arbitrator that he is unwell and should be excused from battling the autopsy expert. Von Hagens looks puzzled and turns tothe watching crowd and states that "Now I weel be cutting beneath the rib cage and across the abdominal area like so", as he is speaking he fails to see a yellow mini being driven full force at him decapitating the good doctor leaving his head sans hat on the floor.

Bean is declared the winner and causes him to start jumping for joy.

His jubilation soon turns to horror when his mini is rammed and crushed by a familiar black fan with sharp red stripe on it.
B.A. Baracus (For it is he) gets out and says "Quit your jibber jabber fool I'm next"

[Rich]

Mr Bean jumps in his mini and trys to drive off but unfortunatly he has ran out of petrol. After throwing a carton of milk that was hid under the ring towards B.A.Baracus the tough guy is distracted for a few seconds. In this time Bean grabs a petrol pump that also happened to be under the ring and attempts to move some petrol over from B.A's fan. Unfortunatly though this messes up the engine of Bean's mini as the two vehicles run on different types of fuel. When B.A has finnished drinking his milk (that for once isn't spiked) he spots what Bean is trying to do and shouts "Oh fool, nobody works on my fan except me" and chases Mr Bean. Bean attempts to run and manages to get outside the arena. B.A catches up with him and shouts out "Your even crazier than that fool Murdoch, come back you crazy sucka". Just as B.A is about to clobber Mr Bean a limo pulls up and out jumps none other than Vince McMahon. He pulls out a contract and points out that this match is supposed to have a stipulation. A stipulation that Mr Bean as champion has the right to choose. Bean points up in the air and grunts out "plannnnnnnnnne". So Vince McMahon announces that the pair will fight 30,000 feet up in the air in a Jet Plane. Will B.A take up the challenge?

Mr Bean V B.A.Baracus in a 30,000 feet areoplane match.

[JP]

Mr Bean realises that he's left teddy at home and rushes to the exit door of the aeroplane, falls 30,000 feet to his death...........(he hadn't realised the aeroplane was in the air)

Winner Mr T

Mr T v Alan Partridge

[Claret & Blue Army]

This one is over very quickly.

Partridge runs up to Baracus and throws up his arms like he does on his own chat show. "A-ha!" he proclaims.
"Shut up fool" retorts Baracus and pnches him full on the nose.
Partridge tries to stick a chicken on his fist to use as a weapon but is held back whilst Murdock starts to eat the chicken. Baracus then growls at the former host on Radio Norwich who keeps on running into the night.
Baracus smiles at Murdock and says "You're not a such a crazy sucka after all"
Effecting a southern drawl Murdock replies "Why thank you sir"

Baracus begins to pace around the room anxiously awaiting his next opponent and is stunned when in walks the Siberian Express!!

B.A. Baracus v Ivan Drago (Rocky Balboa to judge)

[PW]

It's a good one, with both sides squaring up and downing shots of their favourite drink (milk in the A-Team stalwarts case, and vodka in Drago's). After trading haymakers for several minutes, B.A gets dirty by swinging his gold chain at Drago, who, being a Cold-War era Russian, is dazzled by the glare of wealth and begins to seriously consider defecting, helped by the hammiest movie line ever being repeated in his ear by Balboa. As "If I can change...and...you...can change...EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!" sets the Russian supporters to chanting "Rocky, Rocky" for no apparent reason except to plug the American side of Cold War propaganda, Drago shakes his head, gathers himself, and turns to Balboa. Visibly forcing the words out he says, in an awful Russian accent..."I...must...break...you". Adrian pulls Rocky away before he can get involved, spouting clichés about how he'll be killed like Apollo if he goes in the ring again, but is put clean through the ropes into the crowd by an errant swing of B.A's chain. Balboa follows moments later as B.A, tired of his involvement, winds up....



winds up....


winds up....


and THROWS BALBOA OUT OF THE RING! Drago takes advantage of this momentary distraction and amazing heel-turn by landing a punch heavier than a falling Mir on B.A's head, before standing over his body, opening a pint bottle of milk and saying "how...do...you....like...shucka?" in that ridiculously slow way of his before emptying it all over the prone Chicagoan. The pin is a formality, and B.A is out of there.

Drago vs Michael Owen

[Claret & Blue Army]

Before this one gets under way as Drago is asking where Michael Owen is the crowd look on restlessly.
Then Newcastle and Englands perenially injured forward exclaims "I'm Michael Owen", to which the Welsh rugby captain proclaims "I'm Michael Owen" this then gets each and every crowd member watching to state "No I'm Michael Owen".
Drago looks uneasily to his wife Ludmilla who is then shocked when Rockys mother enters the ring and says "Oh my god Jackie" to which the septugenarian gargoyle retorts "Yeah I'm Jackie".
Whilst spouting a lot of post fall of communist cliches to distract everyone, the Russian (who was born in Stockholm ) starts swinging his arms maniacally taking out the entire watching Stallone family as well as Rockys brother in law Paulie for good measure.
The rugby Owen then takes notice of the crates of Vodka the "Russians" have and proceeds to drink the entire lot before singing a medley of rather rude songs and leaves.
When the smoke clears all that is left is Drago and the squeaky voiced former wonder boy whom Drago kicks completely out of the arena thereby winning with ease.

The sounds of bad 1950s B Movies in then heard as Drago sees his next opponent....Ronald Reagan.

Somewhere the strains of Survivor with Burning Heart can be heard- East meets West.
Drago vs Reagan

[JP]

Reagon doesn't turn up for the fight after he heard Drago killed Apollo Creed...

Drago wins!

Drago vs The Rock

[PW]

This doesn't last long...the Rock struts to the ring, raises his eyebrow, and sniffs, saying "If you sm....". Unfortunately, Drago's fist is already arcing through the air, and lands like a hammer blow on the Rock's chin. Not expecting genuine physical contact (after all, he's a WWE/F/whatever bloody letter they're including this week wrestler...he's never took part in a fight of which the outcome wasn't already known), the Rock sways, whispers "that wasn't in the script" and crashes to the ground. Drago, just to add insult to injury, drops an elbow full into the unprotected face (and makes contact), before raising his arms to the crowd (who after a stunned silence are now fully behind seeing a wrestler exposed for the bad ham actor he is) and placing his huge foot on the body to take the count. When it's done, he leans down, spits into the unconscious Rock's face, and in a whisper audible to everyone in the arena, says "I change the script. Bee-yotch." He then turns and stares menacingly at the arena entrance, waiting for his next opponent, as the swelling yell of "I-VAN, I-VAN, I-VAN" fills the arena.

The crowd are now on his side. Can he be stopped?

Drago vs Wayne Rooney

[Rich]

Drago immediatly forgets about his punching power and goes for the tactic of stamping on Rooney's bad toe. The next thing he knows he is being mobbed by a gang of England fans trying to kill him. The riot police invade while Rooney is stretchered off by medics. The medics being English decided to leave Drago there to die after having both his arms and legs broken and having been knocked unconsious after receiving a glass bottle to the head. However Drago's fate is even worse than being left to die, his next opponant enters the ring and a steel cage comes down. He is locked in a cage with Will Young.

Whoever post next PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep it clean.

[Claret & Blue Army]

The former Pop Idoler licks his lips at the thought of battering Drago about he ring for a few minutes and begins to goad the fallen Soviet. With blood gushing out of every conceivable pore in Dragos face he manages to pull himself up and calls out the G.A.Y. favourite. As Young smirks he is thwacked from behind with a baseball bat by a masked guy with a spiky hairdo.
To absolutely no surprise he is revealed to be Gareth Gates who proceeds to batter the living daylights out of the guy who pipped him for untold pop glory. Finally breaking down in tears like the wuss he is Gates leaves the cage alloing Drago to continue his remarkable unbeaten run.

Allowing him 4 weeks to recuperate he receives notice that his next opponent is.....John Prescott