Jokes

[Claret & Blue Army]

I was walking through the graveyard earlier today when this guy approached me. He said "Morning"
I said "No I'm just walking the dog"



Time for some more funnies

[davetheblaze]

Time for some more funnies[/quote]

Doesnt that imply we had one already hehehe

[Claret & Blue Army]

davetheblaze said:

Time for some more funnies

Doesnt that imply we had one already hehehe[/quote]

Ow
Saucer of milk for table 12

[davetheblaze]

Meow

[jakemurrall7]

i know i'm digging this back up but i like this one

i've stolen this but i think its good

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some whacko wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No way??? Who did she play for?"

[jakemurrall7]

What is the difference between Coventry Blaze's own #22 James Pease and a 30-year-old virgin on his first date in ten years?

A: The virgin has a better chance of scoring.



sorry james

[Claret & Blue Army]

jakemurrall7 said:

What is the difference between Coventry Blaze's own #22 James Pease and a 30-year-old virgin on his first date in ten years?

A: The virgin has a better chance of scoring.



sorry james

I have a feeling this could be the onslaught of a lot of Peasey puns akin to the genre of the Essex Girls


I'll let somebody else do the Condemned man and firing squad/Last request one ;D

[PW]

Indeed...

Theo Fleury gets tried by a jury of Blaze fans on trumped-up charges and is condemned to death by a firing-squad drawn from Blaze players. When asked if he has any last requests, he says "I´d like to pick which Blaze player gets the honour of shooting me".
This is considered a reasonable request, and so the fiery little Canadian is asked to pick.
"I´d like your number twenty-two, please"
At which point there is much murmuring, followed by "You do know that our 22 is James Pease, who is twice your size, and has been looking for revenge ever since you went after his friend Russ Cowley at the Skydome?"
"Yep, I know...but I´ve seen him shoot...so I´m thinking that, by the time he gets close enough to the target to hit me, I´ll already be long gone..."

Second joke:

At school, the children in reception class are conjugating sentences with the phrase "I believe".

"Rachel?"
"I believe that, because Mum went to the bakers today, there´ll be doughnuts for pudding tonight"
"Very good. James?"
"I believe that, because my dog´s ill, he´ll go to the vet today"
"Excellent. Steve?"
"I saw grandma going upstairs with a copy of Bild (German newspaper) under her arm"
"That´s wrong, Steve...you didn´t use "I believe""
"Let me finish. I saw grandma going upstairs with a copy of Bild under her arm, and I believe that she´s going to the toilet´cause she doesn´t speak any German..."

Edited for swearing

[Al7Z]

Just a Few That I Can Remember...

Women claim that what they look for in a man in a sense of humor, but I don't believe it. Who do you want removing your bra...George Clooney or the Three Stooges

The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four million got divorced because of somebody they met online

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Coventry The Other Day... "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly says, "Wedding Cake"

A little boy got lost at the swimming baths and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

There the only clean ones i have unfortunately...

[PW]

Three hockey-loving mice, in town to watch their teams at the PO weekend, meet under the stands at the NIC. After spending the day watching the games, the three repair to a local tavern to have a drink.

After a couple of drinks, they begin discussing who the best fans are. They decide to base it on the toughness of the mice supporting each team.

The first mouse says, "I'm from Belfast, a proud Giants fan, and we're so tough that we grind up rat poison and put it in our coffee so we can start the day off with a nice buzz."

The second mouse says, "That's nothing. I'm from Cardiff, and, in the WNIR, when we find a rat trap, first we eat the cheese, then we lay down under the bar and use it as a bench press to work off the calories."

The third mouse is a Coventry Blaze fan. He takes a long pull form his beer and gets up as if to leave.

"Where are you going?" ask the others.

"Well," drawled the third mouse. 'I've heard about all the boasting I can stand for one night. And besides, I'm late. I've got to go home and screw the cat."

[Jo]

hehehe i like that! ;D

- Baked Beans -

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to seee and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the otherrom, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table
chorused: "Happy Birthday!"


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jo]

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